Jokes.

[DaoWay]

Things That Sound Dirty At To Office But Aren't

10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!
5. HMMMMMMMM....I think it's out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in the office but isn't:

1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there!

[DaoWay]

Dedicated to BEEFY:

The Procrastinator's Creed
I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in propoartion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to recieve from missing them.

I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possiblity for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

I truely believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.

If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.

I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.

I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.

I will never put off tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

[DaoWay]

Best Excuses If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk



1. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

2. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last
time management course you sent me to."

3. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"

4. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and
envisioning a new paradigm!"

5. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people !"

6. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"

7. "Actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP)
you learned at the last mandatory seminar your boss made you attend.

8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related
stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?"

9. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution
to our biggest problem."

10. "The coffee machine is broke...."

11. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."

12. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"

13. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the
workaholic!"

14. "Wasn't sleeping. Was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."

[DaoWay]

Retire Aged Personnel Early

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for the Department
areas, we are forced to cut our number of personnel.

Under the new plan, older employees will be asked to accept early
retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who
represent our future plans.

Therefore, a programme to phase out older personnel by the end of
the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed in effect
immediately. The programme will be known as R.A.P.E.
(Retire Aged Personnel Early).

Employees who are R.A.P.E.D. will be given the opportunity to look
for other employment outside the company. Provided they are being
R.A.P.E.D., they can request a review of the employment records
before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the operation
will be called S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of retired Early
Workers).

All employees who have been R.A.P.E.D. or S.C.R.E.W.E.D. may file
an appeal with upper management. This will be called S.H.A.F.T.
(Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms
of the new policies, employees may be R.A.P.E.D. once,
S.C.R.E.W.E.D. twice, but may be S.H.A.F.T.E.D. as many times as
the company deems appropriate.

If any employee follows the above procedure, he or she will be
entitled to get H.E.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's
Early Severance). As H.E.R.P.E.S. is considered a benefit plan. any
employee who has received H.E.R.P.E.S. will no longer be R.A.P.E.D.
or S.C.R.E.W.E.D. by the company.

Management wishes to assure younger employees who remain on board
that the company will continue its policy to ensure that employees
are well trained through our Special High Intensity Training
(S.H.I.T) program.

The company takes pride in the amount of S.H.I.T our employees
receive. We have given our employees more S.H.I.T than any other
company in this area. If any employee feels he or she does not
receive enough S.H.I.T on the job, see your immediate supervisor,
for your supervisor is especially trained to make sure you recieve
all the S.H.I.T you can handle.

The Management

[DaoWay]

Murphy's Laws Of Work


1. A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the pants.

2. Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

3. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

4. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

5. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will
happen to you the rest of the day.

6. Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the
one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.

7. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking
about themselves.

8. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a
damn fool about it.

9. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the
boss asks for a ride home from the office.

10. Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there
would be so many.

11. Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.

12. Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

13. Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a ****tail hour.

14. To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.

15. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is
supposed to be doing.

16. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the
mail.

17. The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible
for everything that goes wrong

18. Until the next person quits or is fired.

19. There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is
always enough time to do it over.

20. The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization.
(For instance, The Murphy Centre for Codification of Human and
Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T...).

21. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really
good, you will get out of it.

22. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your
desk.

23. People are always available for work in the past tense.

24. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

25. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the
number of pens that person is carrying.

26. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

27. You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.

28. No one gets sick on Wednesdays.

29. When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by
reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

30. The longer the title, the less important the job.

31. Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman
arrives.

32. An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist
to whom it is acceptable still has a job.

33. Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.

34. All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.

35. Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.

36. The first 90% of project takes 90% of the time, the last
10% takes the other 90% of the time.

37. If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work
nights.

38. It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say
you've done and what you're going to do.

39. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of
the month than you did before.

40. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

41. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to
the number of pens that person is carrying.

42. Following the rules will not get the job done.

43. Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

[meihui]

Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl.

[meihui]

A headline I'd like to see:

Time Travel To Be Discovered Next Year

[meihui]

A contradiction in terms:

Visual COBOL

[meihui]

Modern computers have advanced to the point where they are extremely intuitive, though obviously you have to spend a lot of time learning how to use them first.

[meihui]

DCE seeks DTE for mutual exchange of data.

[meihui]

The Conversion Chart
10**12 Microphones = 1 Megaphone
10**6 bicycles = 2 megacycles
500 millinaries = 1 seminary
2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
10 cards = 1 decacards
1/2 lavatory = 1 demijohn
10**-6 fish = 1 microfiche
453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
10**12 pins = 1 terrapin
10**21 picolos = 1 gigolo
10 rations = 1 decoration
100 rations = 1 C-ration
10 millipedes = 1 centipede
3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
5 holocausts = 1 Pentacost
2 monologues = 1 dialogues
10 monologues = 1 decalogue
2 monograms = 1 diagram
8 nickles = 2 paradigms
2 snake eyes = 1 paradise
2 wharves = 1 paradox

[meihui]

These two strings walk into a bar and sit down. The bartender says, "So what'll it be?"

The first string says, "I think I'll have a beer quag fulk boorg jdk^CjfdLk jk3s d#f67howe%^U r89nvy owmc63^Dz x.xvcu"

"Please excuse my friend," the second string says, "He isn't null-terminated."

[meihui]

Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager." Customer: "I don't have a 'P'." Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "What do you mean?" Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"

[meihui]

Are you interested in making $$$$ fast? Here's an incredibly simple way to do it, and there is nothing to buy, no investment to make, no money to lose! Try it now!

Follow this simple procedure:

Hold down the shift key.
Hit the 4 key four times.

[meihui]

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.